washington

ive been in washington for the past week now. and will stay here until the end of next week.

my grandpa is in the hospital and has been since jan 29. for a month.
he was diagnoised with stomach cancer. stage three.
while being checked in for that. they also found out he had lung issues and pneumonia.
but my grandpa wouldnt go to the hospital for just any reason.
stubborn old man.

hes been living on a ventilator breathing tube type deal.
it cant be in there for more than 2 weeks.
after the 2 week mark it starts to get dangerous.
messes with tissue and what not.
so i think were taking it out on sunday night.
and after that it could be hours until hes gone.

i dont know how to feel. i feel. numb.
i cry when i watch my grandma.
shed ask my grandpa to hold her hand. ask him to please wake up. how is she supposed to go on without him.
my grandma is tough. shes always yelling. always. i guess it doesnt help that my grandpa is virtually deaf.
but ive never heard my grandma speak so softly. not ever. not like i have this past week.
breaks my heart.
it hurts watching my mom make all the preparations for a potential funeral.
my cousin said soemthing like, "coffins arent cheap"
my mom replies, "theyre called caskets"
she has to be strong, but at the same time she looks so defeated. so tired. drained.

im the one that always smiles. the one that makes everyone laugh.
with my jokes. or my broke korean. or dancing or singing. whatever it is.
but i think. i hide being that a lot. smiley sarah. you know?

i was alone with my grandpa and i thought.
"man ive never spent this much time alone with my grandpa"
it wasnt sad. but it wasnt happy either. i mean. no regrets.
but it was good to hold my grandpas med swollen hand for a while.
sang any praise song i could think of.
in christ alone comes to mind.

i think a lot is going on in my heart. and to be honest. i dont know how to deal with it.
i dont really want to deal with it i think is what it is.
all i know. is im happy to be with my family.
i LOVE being able to see my mom everyday and my dad and aunt and cousins.
my sister is coming tomorrow.

i havent been reading my bible much. satan is attacking me and i can feel it.
i hate him.
numbers is a hard one. hahaha
i miss new york. funny for me to say that. but i really do.
i miss davis too. i miss california and my friends.

i just cant wait to be in heaven with OUR LORD.
CANNOT WAIT LORD. what i long for. what i live for. what keeps me going.
in Christ alone.